“But your tears? Oh, they are liquid magnets drawing others in. They are a river of reality. A healing for hurts. A bonding for brokenness.”
“You see, it’s through your tears that people are united. It’s what makes you a safe person to others when you simply whisper, ‘Me too. Me too.’” Lysa Terkeurst @ It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way
I rewrote this blog post a dozen times during our recent move. I couldn’t get my thoughts quite right the same as I couldn’t get my emotions quite right. You know, “right” as in tidy and presentable and pleasant. For fear of sounding way too emotional or downright unhinged, I gave up on posting in March.
We sold and had to be out fast after having our home on the market for nearly three years. We found a townhouse better than we imagined and in the community we hoped for. My husband John and I worked together easier than ever before.
So, what’d I do? For 30 days, I cried every single one of them.
Although I did my same old stuff – I said sorry to John for crying and I tried not to cry and I wanted to hide my crying (and I did hide from y’all), something different happened this time around. I honored how I felt and he did too … even when we didn’t know what the tears were about.
I used to hate crying in front of anyone, especially him and our children. That’s why I’d curl up in my closet with the dryer running, and take my blanket and a box of Kleenex with me. I wanted to be alone so no one could see or hear me. It hurt to feel my feelings in front of people. They’d either fix me like I was broken, shut me up because I was a bother, or question me for making what they considered too big a deal out of nothing.
Since my emotions seemed offensive to others, they were offensive to me too. Being a people pleaser, my want for permission to feel was greater than my need for relief from my feelings. I reacted to what I thought they wanted from me, which was for me to keep my emotions to myself.
It never occurred to me their reactions were about them, not me. They didn’t want to feel their own feelings.
If you don’t believe me about pushing aside our emotions, ever notice how frequently we ask someone how they feel after surgery, an injury, or a bout with the flu? On the other hand, ever notice how seldomwe ask about a bout with depression, a loss, or a painful relationship? Conversations about physical ailments are easier to come by than ones about our emotions.
After years of trying and failing to figure out how to ease my feelings into relationships and have them be okay, I gave up. I convinced myself it was easier to stuff, ignore, or detach from how I felt.
And it was easier for a while, until …
By the time I married John, set up house, and birthed our two babies, my outbursts at home intensified. I sounded like a drunken sailor even though I felt like a scared five-year-old. I threw things and hit things and brought up things (mostly lists of their mistakes) from days ago and, eventually, decades ago.
Every time I threw a fit, everything hurt – every thought, every look, every assumption I made about what John and others believed about me. I figured people hated me because they hated how I felt. I ended up hating myself for having feelings.
This is what happens when we give value to others judgment of our feelings as right or wrong … when we let them debate how we feel each time they don’t feel the same way … when we stand down and stop expressing how we feel to keep peace. The most painful part is when we join in and discount our own emotions.
Hating our feelings and trying to hide them is damaging at best, dangerous at its worst.
Practice this long enough and we lose our way.
We lose touch with how we feel. We lose connections with other people and ourselves. We lose sight of our purpose and sometimes even our will to live. We struggle to get our own lives while loving the people in it.
The “fix” isn’t comfortable, but if we feel our feelings, deal with them, and heal, our feelings save us. They reveal how to live because emotions put us in touch with who we are, who and what we love, and what we want. We help save others too by setting an example of responsibly dealing with how we feel.
Like Lysa Terkeurst said in the quote at the beginning, our tears (our emotions) heal us and make us safe to be around. With God’s help, our emotions restore us, restore our relationships, and restore our lives.
FEEL. DEAL. HEAL. REVEAL.
What feelings do you need to reunite with so you can feel alive with your people and your purpose?
In This Together,
Kim
Ignoring Our Emotions is Killing Us, part 1 (let our feelings catch up to us) http://skimhenson.com/2018/11/15/ignoring-our-emotions-is-killing-us-part-1/
Ignoring Our Emotions is Killing Us, part 2 (honor how we feel) http://skimhenson.com/2018/12/22/ignoring-our-emotions-is-killing-us-part-2/
Thank you so much Kim for this wonderful and as usual heart felt blog.
Written and thought about whilst in the midst of one of life’s most stressful situations. Moving house and HOME.
My tears flow readily and again your timing has been perfect.
Doctor would say is an age thing so I don’t tell him.
I will be 90 years, next year so maybe is he partly right.
Thank you again Kim for your most compassionate writing and friendship.
Love Isabel
Dear Isabel,
I think your doctor is missing the mark. My guess is your tears are not about age, but wisdom. And likely he doesn’t want to feel his feelings. It happens to the best of us. 🙂
I don’t think many of us recognize how prevalent it is to run and hide from our emotions. I love that you’re feeling yours because then I don’t feel so alone.
Our tears, just like the emotions they express, have gotten a bad reputation when I believe God meant them for good. Tears cleanse and heal and give us a way to show compassion. They allow us to release sadness and celebrate joy. We cry when we’re angry, frustrated, anxious, scared … and those emotions need our attention.
It’s odd how we think there’s something wrong with crying when our tears are so valuable.
Thank you for showing up in my life! You’re a wonderful friend and encourager! I thank God for you every day. I love you. xoxox
Kim, I thank God for sending you into my life, your honesty and openness about real life, real pain and how to reach solutions in truth have blessed my life so much. I am so glad God anointed you and your pen to be able to share much needed truths in today’s troubled world of emotions.
Awe, Mary, thank you! God blessed me with your friendship and encouragement. I appreciate your comment because sometimes I think I’m writing about a topic no one wants to read. Emotions are a tough one, but it’s the one He gave me.
Dealing with my own emotions has improved (I think) with mindfulness and yoga. ( Acknowledgement and detachment for me can help with the compulsive mind games, i.e. repeating the same scenario over and over again in my mind). But……recently I have had to acknowledge and accept the feelings of someone else even though deep down I thought he/she was being too sensitive. Recognizing that he/she was entitled to his/her feelings and trying to be a listener and not a problem solver was difficult. On another note, although moving is difficult your next task is also difficult, i.e. making your new house into a “home”. I found that building new memories with friends and family helped me with that. Hard to believe but I’ve been in this house for 7 years now. Kim, you are an awesome writer! Always enjoy reading your essays. They really make me think!
Gayle, oh my … that’s a difficult one. Hopefully they presented their feelings gracefully. I especially have trouble accepting others’ side of things if they come across as accusatory. Knowing you, even if they didn’t handle it gracefully, you did.
I know how you feel, though. It’s easy to write about wanting my feelings accepted, but sometimes I find myself questioning the legitimacy of others’ feelings. Just like you said, I think to myself they’re being too sensitive or they took what I said or did all wrong. In the end, I try to remember and take my own advice … listen and accept them and how they feel.
I can’t believe y’all have been there seven years. Of course, I couldn’t believe we were in the neighborhood for 10. This place is already feeling more like home, but I’m taking my time and going easy on all these emotions I’m feeling.
You’ve been a dear friend and reader. Thank you!
By the way, I keep having friends bring up yoga. I know it’s a sign I need to do it lol 🙂
💛 I hope to be able to cry soon. Miss you Kim.
I hope you can too, JJ. It was wonderful seeing you today, catching up, and giving you a hug. I’ve missed you!
Please let’s really do lunch soon. I’d love to catch up even more. I love you, my friend!
Thanks Kim! I really miss you too and would love to catch up. Just let me know a couple days/times that work for you and let’s get it on our calendars! Love you! ❌⭕️❌⭕️
Thank you Kim,
I sure missed you ❤️
Still feeling the feelings and so enjoy you sharing. Much love to you❤️
C
I’ve missed you so much, Connie. Thanks for reading, commenting, and especially for being a dear friend! I think about you often.
I love you!
From Facebook (Kim Henson) ~
27Kitty Honda, Betty Butler and 25 others
14 Comments
2 Shares
Lyn Snyder I submitted my comment on your blog and it disappeared 😢
The jest of it was: YOU ARE SAFE WITH ME!
I love you dear friend 🙏🙏🙏🥰
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we, thank you, Lyn. You’re safe here too. I love you! <3
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Betty Butler You can analyze and explain things in a very entertaining way. So sorry about your moving trauma. I know that you love your great new place!
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Kim Henson Awe, thanks, Betty Butler. <3 I want to be honest in my blog posts, as well as entertaining. I'm not sure I always pull off the latter, so I'm happy to hear. I am loving it here now that I've had more sleep. Lack of it almost always makes me cry. 😁
Delilah Lewis Hope you are loving your new home. I am loving mine❤️
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Kim Henson I am, Delilah Lewis. I'm so happy to hear you're loving yours too. <3
Donna Feddick Fagerstrom Outstanding Kim! I shared it on my page!💗
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Kim Henson Awe, Donna Feddick Fagerstrom ... thank you for sharing and for your email. I loved, loved, loved your message. I wish we lived closer too. That'd be a real treat! I'm so happy we're connected on here. I love you! <3
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Jo Rae Johnson Jetton Love this! I learned (through growing up in an abusive home) to not feel. Crying was punished severely, even in the most horrific of circumstances. I cry more now than ever, but still feel more comfortable with anger. Crying feels vulnerable, anger feels control. God knows I'm a work in progress.
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Kim Henson Oh , Jo Rae, I could have written your comment. Like you, I was punished for crying. My punishment was having guilt and shame heaped on, which I hated, so I kept my feelings to myself until I got married. By then, I couldn't keep them at bay any longer. They came out as anger because that emotion made me feel less afraid and more in control.
I finally figured out that John and our kids tolerated anger and my family of origin accepted estrangement easier than tears. Crying turned the tables and made them feel guilty, which wouldn't have been a bad thing since sometimes they needed to change their behavior and guilt helps with that. And tears would have helped me heal. Because I reacted instead, they blamed me for being the problem and never look at their part.
Well, until now ...
These days I'm grateful because like Sandra Bullock said in the movie Ya Ya Sisterhood, if it weren't for them, I'd have nothing to write about. Thanks so much for your comment! <3 Obviously, I related. lol 😀
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Jo Rae Johnson Jetton I've always felt we are sisters, and the more I know, the more I understand why. I'd love to get together and talk. So much, so similar. 💜
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Kim Henson Jo Rae Johnson Jetton, I've always felt a connection too. I'd love to get together. We talked about The Cheesecake Factory. Maybe we can plan that sooner than later. <3
Sara Wise Needed this. You nailed it. So worth the wait.
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Kim Henson Awe, thanks, Sara Wise! <3 I needed to write it.
From Facebook (Donna Feddick Fagerstrom’s page) ~
This is an outstanding article by my friend Kim Henson. Well worth your time! Well done, my friend!
6 Comments
3 Shares
Emily Elizabeth Is there a way to find all 3 parts?
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Donna Feddick Fagerstrom Emily Elizabeth
I would send Kim Henson a PM in Messenger. I’m confident she’ll send you the link to the rest.💗
Emily Elizabeth Donna Feddick Fagerstrom thanks!
Kim Henson Emily Elizabeth, thanks for reading! <3 If you click on part 3 again and scroll to the bottom, there are links to part 1 and 2.
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Emily Elizabeth Kim Henson thanks!
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Kim Henson Thanks so much for sharing, Donna Feddick Fagerstrom! <3
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The shares from Donna's page:
SusanCraig Sutton shared a link.
April 6 at 3:36 PM ·
Darlene Dykstra shared a link.
April 6 at 11:17 AM ·
3 Comments
1Donna Feddick Fagerstrom
Darlene Dykstra Beautifully true! Thanks for sharing.
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Kim Henson Thanks for sharing! <3
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I just love your heart and your thoughts and your willingness to share both. I hope your move and the next chapter bring you joy and excitement. I know the other more difficult emotions will be there, too. When we sold Billy’s family home and downsized, it was physically and mentally taxing, but the right thing for us to do. Everyday, I am thankful for the guts we had to do it, because I truly love the life we’ve built on our little piece of paradise. I will be honest, though, and say that I don’t do emotion well, and your writing has helped me see that.
Michelle, I so appreciate the encourager you’ve been with my writing, as well as selling our home. You stayed upbeat throughout, which made everything easier and more pleasant. Like you, I knew selling was right for us even though I cried a lot. We’re loving Market Common, loving having more space, and loving that we’re debt-free.
I don’t do emotion well either. It’s why I write on the topic. When I share, there’s almost always someone who relates and that helps.
Thanks so much for your friendship!