“The evidence for Jesus’ resurrection is so strong that nobody would question it except for two things: First, it is a very unusual event. And second, if you believe it happened, you have to change the way you live.” Wolfhart Pannenberg The title of this blog post inspired by Casting Crowns’ song, “Nobody.”
Every time I hear the word “suicide,” my stomach sinks, like two weeks ago when a dear friend messaged me in the middle of the night. It’s not the same sinking feeling I used to get, though – the kind with no fix.
It’s the kind of sinking that lets me know I’m walking alongside people so desperate and low, I’m pretty sure they’re convinced there’s no way out of their pain. I remember feeling like that – trying hard and it hardly making a difference. Feeling like a nobody and nobody cared. Trying to be a good girl turned into trying to be the perfect daughter, wife, and mother turned into trying to fix every single relationship and failing … turned into wondering if I could stay.
During my teen years, I spent hundreds of hours at Faith Bible Mart, a Christian bookstore in the next town over. I thumbed through dozens of publications looking for an answer. Sometimes I Feel Like A Blob by Ethel Barrett was one of the books I bought and read. It’s ironic the blob on the cover looks like the popular poop emoji, which I dislike a lot. The book ranked just as poorly.
Every page frustrated me because all the author wrote was gibberish about Jesus. I wanted a to-do list. Something concrete to work on. A way to control and fix what happened around me. Instead, she offered up an abstract God. Not that I didn’t believe in Him. I did and I never stopped. In fact, I’d been baptized by then and my moment with Jesus was real. I remember it like yesterday. Something (the Holy Spirit) came over me. I felt different, which now explains my nearly-drove-myself-crazy search for Him.
Unfortunately, fear overtook my fledgling faith. My relationship with Jesus wasn’t going to work like writing a letter to Santa Claus. I concluded God was real, all right, and He really didn’t care about me. He didn’t answer my prayers. He didn’t fix my family. He didn’t save me from them.
I had no idea what I’d done wrong, but God’s indifference toward my problems, alongside my fear, snowballed into decades of self-doubt about who I was and years of self-blaming for whatever went wrong around me, and there was a lot wrong. I didn’t realize how terrified I felt until just now, writing this, … terrified about never being able to get it right with my family of origin and others like them. I projected their bad attitudes onto God and supposed He was the same.
Because God seemed absent and uncaring, godly help from well-meaning friends, hurt. Their counsel rang hollow and harmful even though I nodded and agreed.
“God is good” reminded me I wasn’t worth His goodness.
“Be grateful” meant be quiet about your difficult emotions.
“You’ll feel better if you help others” let me know the way I served others wasn’t good enough.
“Get some help” deemed me hopeless because counselors helped, but not much.
“Let go and let God” left me asking, “Why would I turn anything over to Him?”
Pain got me through the doors of a 12-step program. I attended at least three meetings a week for 15 years. In those rooms, I found people who helped and people who needed my help. My sponsor, Betty, turned out to be my earthly savior. She hung around long enough to keep me hanging on. The members laughed and sounded hopeful. They had their own set of books that shed light on topics like never before.
One daily reading said, “God’s not a terrorist” – finally, someone else who thought He was, but found out differently. I still couldn’t shake my belief that bad things happened to good people because God picks on and tests and punishes us. From experience, no amount of trying, being good, or begging freed us from His abuse, just like no amount of trying worked in my family of origin. Eventually, the people in the 12-step meetings turned out the same as everyone else – imperfect.
Church didn’t fix things either. I cried at the end of every service when the congregation recited, “God, send us out to do the work you have given us to do” because emotional paralysis kept me from living my purpose. I froze when I sat down to write a blog post or chapter. I prayed, “Break my heart for what breaks yours,” but shook when friends shared about their depression and suicidal thoughts because I didn’t have a solution.
Sometimes I parroted “Jesus is the answer” even though I never called Him Jesus by name because it sounded so sweet, and I wasn’t buying that was truly His nature. God angered me to the point of cussing or frightened me more, and “the Holy Spirit … who?” I didn’t dare offer God up as a solution in any form – as our Father, our Redeemer, or our Guide.
I mean, I did let my family know about Him. We attended church, shared nightly devotionals, and all. For a while I almost convinced them and myself how much He rallied around us, how much He cared, but things unraveled and setbacks happened. What was I supposed to tell others? Something along the lines of “He hasn’t helped me, but He might show up for you.”
Until now …
A writer friend calls it “wisdom of the rearview mirror.” I call it 20/20 vision in 2020. I’m not wavering ever again because I know what I know.
Y’all, He’s it.
Jesus is the End to our search.
He’s the only One who makes it a Joy to stay (#pleasestay) in our painful, broken world.
I’m grateful beyond words these days He let me down far enough to know what Lysa TerKeurst talked about after her breast cancer diagnosis and her husband’s affair. She wrote, “The last three years of my life have had moments so dark I literally felt as if I was licking the floor of hell.”
It’s been a decade for me. When I read Lysa’s book last summer, It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way, I recognized how much I needed someone who related, as well as someone who was making their way back from the dark. I needed her and I need all of you. My husband jokes I attract the oddest friends. I like to think we’re the ones getting up from hell’s floor to help each other.
There’s someone out there right now who needs to know we can make our way back from that filthy dirt to holy ground.
I’m heartbroken I couldn’t sit down over lunch and figure this out with my friend’s daughter-in-law who died by suicide. And the preacher’s wife in Texas whose grandchildren miss her every single day since she shot herself. And my Facebook friend’s 14-year-old Jesus-loving daughter who couldn’t stay, but helped save my life by giving up hers.
This is where Pannenberg’s quote at the beginning of this post comes in, “And second, if you believe it (Jesus’ resurrection) happened, you have to change the way you live.” Our former pastor taught there are three ways God changes us: we’re given enough, we learn enough, or we’re in enough pain.
I don’t want their lives, or their deaths, to go unnoticed. The only reason I know their names and their families and have read their Facebook pages is because they died by suicide. I want part of their legacy, and mine, to be that at least one person stays because I’m writing about how these friends couldn’t and how I almost couldn’t. I have to talk about and write about and be vulnerable about depression and suicide and hopelessness, and tell you we’re not hopeless at all no matter how we feel. Feelings pass. Jesus doesn’t.
Take it from someone who didn’t believe it for a long time … I promise you, Jesus is the Answer.
This post is fitting for the Coronavirus, too. We could easily lose our faith, but I don’t want us to. We can’t count on restaurants reopening, schools being back in session soon, or paychecks and upswings in the stock market. Every bit of this is important and I want it all back too. However, only One entity this side of heaven offers safety and security and normalcy, and that’s Jesus.
It’s true what Tim Keller said, “You don’t really know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.”
And like my grandson says, “Hair mercy!” Jesus, have mercy on us and help us have it too – for ourselves and for everyone hurting around us. Show us our purpose and help us live it. Help us help others. Help us be nobody for You.
In This Together,
Kim
Thanks, Pixabay, for the images.
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Your writing is always inspiring! Thank you for your willingness to be honest and open! Jesus is it!!!!! Thank you LORD!
Thank you so much, Patricia! ❤️ I wish someone could have convinced me earlier on. I knew He was It (knowledge wise), but I didn’t KNOW it enough to turn over my life to Him. That’s been the hard and heart work Jesus has been doing in me for a long time. I’m so grateful for his patience as I hung onto everything old and tried to change it all. Funny thing is, my son said one of things I desperately needed to hear while we visited with them in Austin last month, “Mom, you can’t change the past.” So simple, but I was ready to accept it … finally. Yes, thank you, LORD!
Thank you Kim for your inspiring spirit and being able to express it so well. Praying every day to be grateful right now and to ease the pain others are experiencing. My son says our world and lives will be better down the road for this experience. I am hoping and praying for this. Be safe and thanks again….Jackie
I am so glad that you stayed. The world has dark corners. You bring the light. Thank you for your brilliant insights.
Awe, Betty, thank you! I’m so grateful too. I really appreciate your sweet words. 💕
Jackie, thanks so much for your kind comment and for sharing your son’s inspiration. I absolutely believe the same thing as he does and I’m praying for it too. Jesus always takes what was meant for bad and brings about some good … always … the problem is, sometimes we overlook it in our own lives.
I’m sad the virus is wreaking havoc for so many, but hopeful about what God’s doing to redirect us.
I appreciate your comment and you! ❤️
Beautiful Kim!
I love you.
Connie
I love you, Connie! Thank you. ❤️
If you ever want to text, I’m around.
From Facebook (Kim Henson) ~
41Susan Blanton Roche, Karen Dishman Jantzi and 39 others
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Faye Watson I instantly ordered Its not supposed to be this way on Nook. Love you my friend.
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Kim Henson Faye Watson, you won’t be sorry. It’s so good. She points to Jesus again and again. And we’re all in the middle of our own … it’s not supposed to be this way, aren’t we? I love you and miss you lots! 🥰 p.s. I’m still walking right along with you. #sanity
Faye Watson Kim Henson keep on keeping on. We will walk this land together.
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Kim Henson Faye Watson, we sure will. You’re still my inspiration.
Faye Watson Kim Henson and you, mine. Lol, I am already reading the book.
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Kim Henson Faye Watson, really? Let me know what you think.
Faye Watson Kim Henson I will! I order through Barnes and Noble in my Nook and it downloads instantaneously
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Kim Henson Faye Watson, I’d love to change over, but I can’t let go of paperback books. I tried. lol
Peggy New Wow Kim truly one of your best in thoughts, beliefs, and passion. Thank you. It’s how I feel about grief and sometimes helping someone else come up from that hell of loss. But usually being helped up by friends like you who know the words.
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Kim Henson Awe, Peggy New, I don’t know what to say because, heartbreakingly, you know that hell much more intimately than I do. I always, always, always think of you when I write. We’re supposed to remember our reader and you’re one of the friends who comes to mind. Thank you for your comments over the years, and for this one. Especially this one. I love you! <3
Susan Blanton Roche So honest, true and raw. I feel one of your best blogs! You say in words what I could never express. I'm sure this will help someone out there who reads it. ❤️
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Kim Henson Susan Blanton Roche, I was listening to one of my songs on repeat when I wrote it, which always means the writing is rawer, a good word. I have to turn the music off and edit. No one needs all that. lol 😀 My prayer is that it helps someone out there. Thank you so much! 🥰
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Diane Wilson Dale Wow! I'm always so in awe of the way you write and express your feelings! Thank you so much for echoing what many of us have felt off and on throughout the years! Love and miss you!
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Kim Henson Diane Wilson Dale, thank you so much! 🥰 My hope when I write is that whatever I share is relatable and offers hope to someone else because we all go through so much in life. We shouldn't have to do it alone. I love and miss you too! We need to fix the "I miss you" part one of these days ... soon. <3
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Diane Wilson Dale Kim Henson, I look forward to that!!!!😍
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Kim Henson Diane Wilson Dale, me too. 🤩
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Holly Massey Remember ladies ~ Diane Wilson Dale and Kim Henson ~ if you can't remember the last time, it's been too long! ☀️
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Diane Wilson Dale Way too long, Holly!
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Kim Henson Holly Massey, good point! There's probably a restaurant that remembers better than we do. We were a little loud. lol 😀
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Diane Wilson Dale Several restaurants!
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Kim Henson Diane Wilson Dale, oh yeah. 🙄
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Anne Payne Thank you, Kim, for your honesty and transparency.
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Kim Henson Thanks so much, Anne Payne. I appreciate your comment here and your private message. I hope passing it along helps. <3
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Helgi Vannell WOW !!!
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Kim Henson Thanks a lot, Helgi Vannell. xoxox 🥰
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Debbie Stewart Richardson Oh my, Kim! Your ability to so "put it out there" just enveloped me & mine! Whew! Thank You!
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Kim Henson Awe, thanks, Debbie Stewart Richardson. I appreciate you and your comments ... always. Much love! <3
Jana Braden Greene You’re amazing, woman. ❤️
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Kim Henson Awe, Jana Braden Greene, thank you! 🥰 One of these days, a book like yours. #youareinspiringme
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Susan Butcher
❤️❤️❤️
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Kim Henson Thank you, Susan Butcher! 🥰
Donna Feddick Fagerstrom CONGRATULATIONS Kim! This is an amazing article! Love you!❤️
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Kim Henson Awe, thank you, Donna Feddick Fagerstrom. I just read your email too. I so appreciate it! 🥰 I love you!
Sara Wise Thank you ❤️🙌🏻
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Kim Henson Thank YOU, Sara Wise! 🥰
Mary McKerihan Wilson I just read this, Kim, and so needed to hear this even though I am not suicidal. Rather, my anxiety about our current situation has consumed me and I am finding it more difficult to trust God than even after my husband's death. Your words reminded me that I am not alone and reassured me amid this disaster. It's evident to me that God is speaking through you. Thank you.
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Kim Henson Awe, Mary McKerihan Wilson, what an encouraging comment. Thank you so much! And thanks for passing it along. Love you! <3
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Shared on Facebook ~
Mary McKerihan Wilson
March 31 at 9:19 AM ·
Sharing this post by my friend, Kim Henson, because I am sure that someone out there needs to read this today. Even if you aren’t “religious,” read it, because many of us are struggling right now.
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Kim Henson Mary McKerihan Wilson, thanks so much! xoxox 🥰 I appreciate you passing it along. I hope you and Craig are together soon. <3
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Patsy Lewis Carroll
March 26 at 10:10 PM ·
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Kim Henson Thanks so much, Patsy. <3
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Pat O'Brien Morris
March 26 at 5:11 PM ·
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Kim Henson Thanks you, Pat! <3
Debbie Stewart Richardson
March 26 at 9:37 AM ·
Take time to dive into this w ithout distractions. If you don't walk away with a "wow" or "aha" moment(s), your 'whistle' is wet!
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Kim Henson I appreciate you passing this along so much, Debbie Stewart Richardson. Thank you. <3
From Facebook (Denise Sanders’ page) ~
Denise C Sanders
March 31 at 8:05 AM ·
I see so many ppl posting hate, disappointments, frustrations, doubt, confusion, sadness. Please take a moment and read this blog. Kim Henson is beautiful Author and wonderful friend of mine. May Your Heart 💜 be full of love joy and Jesus.
9 You, Mary McKerihan Wilson, Debra Key Basinger and 6 others
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Ellen Braun Beautiful article, your friend has a gift! <3
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Denise C Sanders Ellen Braun she definitely does
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Donna Brothers Roth Thanks for sharing
💜✝️
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Kim Henson Awe, Denise C Sanders, thank you for sharing and for your sweet comments! I want church back so I can wear my beautiful sweater. Love you, my friend. 🥰
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Denise C Sanders Kim Henson I’m just fixing my hair today so I feel a little pretty… LOL
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Kim Henson Denise C Sanders, you're always a lot pretty. I'm taking a shower in just a few minutes. Whoo hoo!
Denise C Sanders Kim Henson lol 😂.. I did the same too .. lazy bum .. and thank you 😊
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From Facebook (Kim Henson) ~
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Tammy James Quinn Amen! Nothing but the blood of Jesus! Hallelujah, he is risen!❤🕆❤
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Kim Henson Tammy James Quinn, yes! <3 What a special day. I hope yours was too. 🥰
Joan Pisani Oh Kim you are such a talented young lady. I love your posts. Wishing you the many blessings of Easter today and everyday! 💐✝️🐥🐇🐣
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Kim Henson Joan Pisani, thank you! 🤩 I hope your day was amazing. Blessings to you too, my friend. 💜✝️💜
Linda Hopkinson Happy, Happy Easter my friend, your post brought me to tears, your honesty, your love, your humility, your gratitude and always your MESSAGE.... I love you, and God Bless you and your family <3
Kim Henson Awe, Linda Hopkinson, thank you! Your comment did the same. You're such a dear friend. I love you! 🥰