“Healing is an inside job.” B. J. Palmer
Every Mother’s Day is a reminder of what a counselor told me 39 years ago, “Until you make peace with your mother, you’ll never be at peace with yourself.”
After trying and failing to make peace face-to-face with Mom and then with her memory, I tried dismissing his counsel. After all, it’d been decades since he said it.
My children having children changed everything, though. My grandchildren were a wakeup call. I couldn’t keep believing my own lie, “We’re getting better.”
I shook while holding my daughter’s hand when the nurse doing her ultrasound revealed my first grandchild was a girl. Afterwards, I bawled in a parking lot for 20 minutes before I could get out of my car and grocery shop.
Before Claire ever arrived, I wrote a blog post entitled “Girls Aren’t Safe Here” about not wanting a granddaughter because girls weren’t safe in our family. We weren’t healed enough. The dysfunction hadn’t stopped. I wasn’t at peace yet. Thankfully, God ignored my whimperings and blessed us with that girly bundle of glitter, gab, and emotions anyway. If you’ve ever met her, you know what I’m talking about.
God was also gracious with His timing. Mom died three weeks before Claire was born. Like the Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; … A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; …”
We mourned, but Mom’s death made way for laughing and dancing too, things my daughter and I hadn’t done in a while. Maybe we had never done them. Generational curses run deep, which meant instead of lightheartedness, we’d gotten stuck in familiar places we didn’t want to be – anxiety, control, and resentment. It’s true what Christine Langley-Obaugh said, “We repeat what we don’t repair.”
The irony of repetition is this: the thing I desperately wanted (a relationship with my daughter) didn’t happen easily for the very reason I desperately wanted it, because I didn’t have a relationship with my mom.
Claire jumpstarted a whole nother (it’s a word) level of healing and “getting better.”
Since then, our family’s grown by three more grandchildren including another granddaughter. Margaret belongs to my son. In light of the way she studies me during FaceTime, then giggles at her big brother when he pretends to sneeze, I suspect she’s just as intense, questioning, and excitable as Claire and me. It’s a good thing too because we could use backup fixing our family.
Joking aside, I can’t put into words the joy I’ve felt having grandchildren, or the lows I’ve hit recognizing how my brokeness affects them. When I detached from my family of origin’s drama, I caught a glimpse of the peace (and legacy) I wanted to pass along. However, getting comfortable with that peace and letting it settle my soul would have meant sitting still for longer than a few minutes or a few days.
Even though I like being alone and I thought I sat still plenty, it’s turned out to be true what philosopher Blaise Pascal said, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
The same counselor who told me about making peace with Mom also asked, “What’s your first painful memory of your mom? Let’s go back there.”
I remember sitting with my back to the furnace in our basement because the heat and hum of it felt safer than being upstairs with her. Mom cried a lot and Dad stayed gone. I blamed myself for her sadness and for his absence, and felt desperate for one of them to assure me it wasn’t my fault.
Until the pandemic, I’ve never sat for long with my own blame and desperation. I’ve found fast fixes instead, which explains why I have trouble going to bed early, being quiet around people, and sitting still to complete projects.
The past few weeks of being at home, I forced myself to go back there. I’ve imagined sitting in front of the furnace a dozen times, I walked through the fire – symbolism I didn’t recognize until writing this post. I felt afraid all over again. I felt desperate all over again. I cried all over again.
It helped to hear in a recent sermon that God doesn’t excuse us when it comes to the fire. In fact, that’s where he fixes us, which is why we have to walk all the way through the flames. We can’t go back and expect to get the better stuff on the other side. Our stories are just like the Israelites who grumbled they wanted to go back to Egypt, back to what they knew even if it wasn’t good, instead of making the hard choice to keep walking all the way through the desert to the Promised Land. The comforting news is Jesus walks it with us.
I’m guessing everyone’s got a fire to walk through, a demon to face, or “a come to Jesus moment” (what my daughter calls it) they need to experience. It turns out it wasn’t my mom I needed to face and find peace with after all. I needed to face myself.
We either face ourselves and find peace or ignore our problems and face their consequences. It’s that simple and that hard.
I’d really like to hear from you – your thoughts about facing the hard stuff and healing.
In This Together,
Kim
I attended Solid Rock at Market Common in Myrtle Beach, SC on this Pentecost Sunday. I should stop being surprised when God prompts a sermon on the same topic I’m wrangling with and writing about, but better. Way better. When the church posts it, so will I. Be on the lookout.
Excellent article! I want to know more. ♥️
Awesome! I love you Kim❤️
Connie, it’s so special when you show up here. Thank you!
I love you. ❤️
Danita, thank you! ❤️ I’m happy to tell the whole story. I’ll bore you to death, though. lol 🙃
I am always in awe at the way you express yourself! I really, really needed to read this tonight. The part, “We either face ourselves and find peace or ignore our problems and face their consequences. It’s that simple and that hard”, hit like a ton of bricks.
Thank you for always putting “it” out there…especially for those of us who can’t express ourselves the way you do! Love and miss you!!!!
Diane, you’re such a blessing to me and my writing.
I appreciate your encouragement especially since I know you absolutely can express yourself, put it out there, and leave us laughing until we cry. And then crying until we laugh.
I love and miss you so much! Let’s fix the “miss you” part soon. ❤️
Kim, your post brought tears to my eyes. You are such an inspiration! Keep writing. I will keep reading. I love you, Kim Henson! ❤️❤️❤️
Awe, thanks so much, Jan. Too bad when we taught together, we didn’t have more time for conversations other than construction paper and bulletin boards. It was fun, but it would have been wonderful to know each other a bit deeper. Thanks for reading because without you and other readers, it’d be lonely here. I love you lots! ❤️
Timely message from you, as always. 💛 I’d love to do lunch soon. Thanks again for your vulnerability so the rest of us can absorb your wisdom.
Thanks so much, JJ. I always appreciate you showing up to comment. ❤️
Thank you for sharing this. Timing is perfect for me to read this today.
I thought I signed up for the email list before, I changed it. ❤🙏
Mary Lou, thanks for sharing. I love when things come at just the right time. Every time I press “publish,” I wonder if I should have. Your comment helps. ❤️
Great article Kim! Thank you for sharing your wise words & thoughts! 💕
Thanks so much, Vicki! I appreciate you and your comment. ❤️
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35 Wanda Doyal, Jean Dalton and 33 others
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Wanda Doyal Still holding on to thinking I can pull far enough away from her, it no longer matters……
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Kim Henson Wanda Doyal, I sure understand. I tried that. I wish I could be encouraging that it’ll work. 🥰 This is more painful than I thought and I’m not through it yet, but it seemed I no longer had a choice. I hit a wall and couldn’t get past it without dealing with my past. The funny (interesting, not funny haha) is that I thought I had dealt with a lot of it. Let me know if you ever need anyone to sit beside you … you know, at that furnace. I love you, Woo. ❤️
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Doris Boyd-Piver Thanks for sharing.
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Kim Henson Thanks for your friendship, Doris Boyd-Piver. I appreciate you and all you share. 🥰
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Doris Boyd-Piver Kim Henson Thanks
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Becky Gibbons Swanner Love you cuz.
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Kim Henson I love you, Becky Gibbons Swanner. Thanks for reconnecting. It means a whole bunch on this end. 🥰
Helgi Vannell Kim, I made peace with my Dad. Can’t talk about it. It took years but LIFE IS GOOD NOW. ❤️
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Kim Henson Thanks so much for sharing, Helgi Vannell. Sometimes no one needs to know the details. I’m happy y’all came to a peaceful place. <3
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Joel Carter Love your writings always. I attended Solid Rock for a few weeks prior to Covid 19. Some great folks there. Also have been in several of Jim Rileys services over the years in various churches. Looking forward to more of your writing.
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Kim Henson I always appreciate your comments, Joel Carter. Thank you! <3 I wasn't looking for a new church, only went because they were holding services and ours was not. But I might have found one. Every time I go, it's exactly what I need to hear ... and I mean, really, really, really need to hear. Jim's a regular there, so that's important too. I think he comes every 3 to 4 months. Maybe I'll run into there if you visit again. Thanks for reading along!
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Diane Wilson Dale Love the way you write and express yourself! I think all this quiet, and alone time has forced many of us to deal with things that have long been pushed to the back of our minds...your post really helped! Love you!!!
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Kim Henson Diane Wilson Dale, I love you! 🥰 Thanks for being there and calling when Mom was sick and dying. I can't remember if I ever told you how much I appreciated your friendship during that time. <3
Diane Wilson Dale Kim Henson, oh that's so sweet! I cherish our friendship, even though we can't see each other that often. Hope we can change that in the coming days...❤️
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Kim Henson Diane Wilson Dale, me too. I'm still hoping for a lunch date at Shine Cafe. <3
Jan Glover Selwa Kim, you are such an inspiration and you are so good at challenging everyone to face their fears in an attempt to heal!!! Thank you for being real and so encouraging!!! Love you!!,
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Kim Henson Awe, thanks, Jan Glover Selwa. It makes it easier when I don't have to do it alone. I appreciate your comment so much, my friend. I love you! 🥰
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Kim Henson Claire Brightly Vohman, I'm so happy every day when your page pops up and I think about how randomly God brought us together. 🥰 Your artwork shows off your healing, for sure. ❤️ Much love!
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Claire Brightly Vohman Thanks Kim! XOXO.... Much love back!
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Kim Henson Claire Brightly Vohman, I read it and got all teary and understood way more than you know. xoxox <3
Claire Brightly Vohman Kim oh I felt self conscious and deleted it - I guess I'm glad you read it now! Thank you Kim, that means a lot. Not many people can understand so I don't say any of that usually
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Kim Henson Claire Brightly Vohman, here's what I wrote back to you before your comment disappeared. If you want me to delete it, I will, but I wanted you to read it first.
Image may contain: text that says 'Kim Henson Claire Brightly Vohman, awe wouldn't have expected any less from you than total transparency, honesty, and your expression how you're working on to heal. I'm so happy every day when your page pops up and I think about how randomly God brought us together. I've read lots of stories about how people can't make progress until parent dies, then they grow by leaps and bounds. your moved you could too. Your shows off your healing, for sure. Much love! Unable to eich comment'
Kim Henson Claire Brightly Vohman, I had another friend who deleted her comment too. I guess it was a thing tonight. lol 😀 Believe me, I want to do the same thing sometimes after I publish my blog posts. I feel like I'm standing naked in front of 50 people and, if no one comments right away, I can hardly leave it up. I have to post it, get off FB really fast, and go into hiding. I'm not kidding. 😎
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Claire Brightly Vohman Kim yeah I get it - your great writing is obviously touching people and sparking something in them... And me too! Thank you!
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Kim Henson Claire Brightly Vohman, your art does the same. I told my son about your albums. He's coming soon, so I'll go through the whole FB album with him. If you come here, I make you look at them. lol 😍
Claire Brightly Vohman Kim LOL thanks!!
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Patsy Lewis Carroll Thank you for sharing your story! Although I had an awesome relationship with my parents, since my dad passed away, my sisters and I are walking through the fire, a place several of us do not want to be. I’m still very much mourning my dads death, and the very thing that he feared, is happening. I hope that we can make it through to the other side. It just makes me so sad. Love you, Kim!
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Kim Henson Oh, Patsy Lewis Carroll, I'm so sorry. The same thing happened with our families when our dads died. It was messy and mean and, although we made it through, things have never been the same. That's okay, though. God brought a lot of good from it. I hope y'all fare better than we did, but, if not, you'll come through it stronger, for sure. It's hard, though, when you're still grieving your dad and have more heaped on also. I'm praying for you and your family. I love you! 🥰
Debbie Stewart Richardson Hazel Dew
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Kim Henson
❤️❤️❤️
Maria Franken You wrote: "We either face ourselves and find peace or ignore our problems and face their consequences. It’s that simple and that hard." This is my truth, also! Many years ago my cousin, Christy, said that she believed that all the men in our family are "male chauvinist pigs." Needless to say, girls aren't safe in my family. I fought my whole life to feel better about myself, my gender, and how I wanted to do it differently than my parents (double standards). My Mom was lovely, but made choices to stay with a very emotionally abusive man... In my family, it was the norm...
I was blessed with a son and raised him to be very different from the other males in my family. Being open & honest with my son about self-respect and respect of women did help my little corner of the family "be better." I raised my son where only respect and love bloom; home is a safe place for us.
My brother, raised 4 girls, but he didn't face the consequences of the sad state of our family and all the under-currents. He drank himself stupid and raged all the time. He was not only a male-chauvinist pig, he was an angry, unhappy man. There was no talking reason with him, as he was intent in keeping his head in the sand. He died at age 54, a real mess.
That could have been me, dead before my time & leaving a legacy of booze and angst.
Kim - I know my family is/was an extreme example of good & bad consequences, but I wanted you to know how much your blog spoke to me. I love you dearly and am soo blessed to have you in my life, shining a light on the good & bad quirks that drive us. ((big hugs)) <3
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Kim Henson Maria Franken, you really should write, and I mean more than comments like this one. It's beautiful. I cried through the whole thing. I was right there with you and hoping you'd pull out and survive even though I already know your outcome. I've watched you fight for your family to be better and I've learned so much. Thanks for being here for me more times than I can count. I love you so much, dear friend! So, so, so much. 🥰
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Maria Franken Kim - it's only in my old age that I've found my words. I think I've told you that I was born with a speech impediment. It caused me to be very shy, as a youngster & not being able to pronounce things correctly gave me a love/hate relationship with the written word. I became an artist quite young, as a form of expression & communication.
PS: I'm very comfortable expressing myself these days! The older I get, the less I care what others think of how I talk or how I express myself. 😉
I love you oodles & oodles, dear heart!! <3
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Kim Henson Maria Franken, I had no idea about the speech impediment. That's a lot to overcome, as well as everything else you had going on around you, and to end up teaching and speaking up for yourself and others. You've been an inspirations all along. I love you so much, sweet friend! 🥰 Thanks for your encouragement and love. <3
Sharon Treacy Carroll Thank you for sharing!! You are so amazing Kim!! But you already know I think that!!☺️☺️
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Kim Henson Awe, Sharon Treacy Carroll, thank you. I love you, sweet friend. 🥰
Isabel Thoroughgood Wrote a big comment dear Kim Henson would not accept it seems sorry, love you and your writing.🙏♥️
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Isabel Thoroughgood I feel the same Kim, wonderful to have a friend who really thinks alike on so many things, take great care Kim Hensonyou are a shining light in these troubled times🙏❤️❤️.
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Kim Henson Isabel Thoroughgood, thanks so much! I hope you know I feel the same about you. You show up at just the right time and encourage. 😍🥰😘❤️
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Always a pleasure to read your blog. Digging deep, taking a breath and putting the hard stuff out there is uncomfortable but necessary. I think you help people realize that they’re not alone. So many have had turbulent lives, made some really bad choices and just don’t know how to move forward. Your words, I believe, allow all of us understand that not one of us is perfect. Not one of us. Only ONE was perfect and now HE stands with us day and night, gently calling our names, tenderly guiding us toward the forgiveness of the past and salvation of the future.
I’m learning now, as a new grandparent, that I haven’t been very forthcoming with affection toward my children. I openly give my heart to that baby girl, but yet reserve it toward the kids. This is something that I don’t want to pass along to my children. Adult children still need to feel and see the love of their parents. Argggg…this has nothing to do with your blog, or maybe it does?
Awe, Kim, thank you. ❤️ Your comment is so encouraging. I’d love to think people feel less alone when they stumble onto this site.
Your story about your kids and grandbaby has everything to do with this blog post. There’s something about having a grandchild that wakes us up like nothing else. I think because we have more time to reflect since we’re not raising them, and we see our parts more clearly and feel more deeply and love more freely … and we also see our mistakes and what we wish we had done differently.
The beauty is, we still have time, it’s never too late, and we can help our kids and grandkids walk through whatever it is we all need to walk through … together.
I love you and your sweet family! xoxox 😍